


Little Sh*t

by genericamerican



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Comedy, Edward Elric is an annoying little shit, Gen, Parental!Roy, Swearing, Team Mustang - Freeform, parental team mustang, partly crack too i suppose, yes it starts as a hostage situation but I swear it's funny at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26828251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericamerican/pseuds/genericamerican
Summary: Edward gets kidnapped. The kidnapper has no idea what he's just unleashed.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Edward Elric & Roy Mustang
Comments: 13
Kudos: 142





	Little Sh*t

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Held for ransom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26804098) by [elricsyao](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elricsyao/pseuds/elricsyao). 



Ah, fuck. 

The kidnapper circled the chair Edward was tied to, doing his best to look menacing and angry. The effect was ruined, though, by the bloody nose Ed had given him, and the fact that he still would not get within arm's reach, even though Edward's hands were bound.

"Listen here, you little shit. You can keep your mouth shut, and then we can hand you over relatively unharmed as soon as we get the ransom money. Or you can keep talking-" he leaned in, close enough for Edward to smell his nicotine-leaden breath and the tang of blood- "and we hand over a bunch of broken ribs for the ransom money."

Ed snapped at the man's nose with his teeth. The kidnapper stumbled backwards, trying to catch himself on the doorframe but falling on his ass. One of his lackeys failed to hold in a snicker. Ed, personally, thought this was hilarious, and his gales of laughter just ended up pissing off the guy more. He got up and lurched forward to point a finger right in Edward's face.

"SHUT UP! FUCK YOU! Anderson, watch him! I'm going to call for the ransom." He stomped out of the room, muttering something about not getting paid enough.  
  
Anderson turned out to be the one who snickered. He sighed and leaned against the wall, lighting a cigarette. The other lackeys all dispersed through the doorway.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

. . . . . . . . Mustang sighed and picked up the phone for the fourth time in ten minutes. Hawkeye gave him a look. He shrugged, to indicate that it's not HIS fault the phone keeps ringing. She narrowed her eyes, and Mustang remembers that a few days ago he hired someone to call the office phone every five minutes so he had an excuse to not do paperwork. He broke eye contact and answered the phone.

"I want 700,000 for your little shit of an alchemist!"

"What?"

"You heard me! I need you to take him already! 600,000 ransom for the Fullmetal Alchemist! Leave it in locker 23 at the 14th street train station! Hurry up!"

"Ransom? What- EDWARD!" Mustang stood up with a jolt, knocking a pile of paperwork on the floor. The rest of the office leaped into action. Hawkeye began directing them-Havoc to create a team to rescue Edward and arrest the kidnappers, Falman and Breda to gathering information on what or who would be motivated to hold a state alchemist for ransom, and Fuery to attempt to record and trace the call. Alphonse let out a worried gasp and rushed over to the Colonel to better hear the call.

" I'm going to need proof that he's alive and well." Mustang's voice was steady, but it felt like someone had taken the floor from underneath him. 

"DAMMIT, JUST TAKE HIM! 500,000!"

"WHERE IS EDWARD? I NEED PROOF!" Mustang was screaming at the phone now, and the entire team stepped it up to a frantic pace.

"400,000! PLEASE! JUST- " A yell sounded through the phone, and Mustang felt like he couldn't breathe. IF Ed was hurt-

But he wasn't. The next sound through the phone was the unmistakable sound of Edward bellowing one of the most popular songs on the radio. 

" HEY, YOU LI'L PISS BABY"

"SHUT UP!"

"YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING COOL? HUH? YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING TOUGH?" 

"200,000! PLEASE! JUST PAY THE RANSOM ALREADY!"

"YOU TALK A LOT OF-"

"I'LL TURN MYSELF IN! JUST TAKE HIM BACK ALREADY!" 

Mustang couldn't hold in laughter. Alphonse and the rest of the team apparently couldn't either.

"Alright, then, what's-" Mustang had to stop to catch his breath between bouts of laughter- "what's the address?"

"It's-SHUT UP, KID- it's the old Dulor warehouse next to the river, 7754 Urweiler-PLEASE hurry up-" Edward's loud, offkey, horrible singing could be heard between every word.

Mustang looked at his team. "7754 Urweiler, near the river. Let's go save Edward's kidnapper from him." 

And so they did. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this was partly inspired by Held for ransom by Alchemicwestallen, which should be linked. The other part of the inspiration was a newspaper cartoon I saw in like 2011 and just now remembered after reading the fic. Cannot remember the name of the cartoon strip, sorry. 
> 
> The lyrics are the beginning of the song "money machine" by 100 gecs. The first lyrics already sound like something Ed would say to annoy someone so I thought it fit. Thanks to someone on a discord server for recommending it. I doubt a song like this would be top on the radio in an alternate universe equivalent of the early 1900's, but it IS partly crack.


End file.
